Tuesday, February 28, 2006

2 days ago, on Monday night, i brokedown. i couldn't stand the pressure and stress that were building up inside me. it's amazing you know, when you can feel something heavy resting on your chest and you couldn't breathe. i know that it's all in the mind... there's really nothing physical about it. but you can't really stop yourself from stressing can you?

i really really broke down that night and it was terrible. it started off when my mum starts nagging. and it's a serious nag... means she will talk and talk non-stop about things you shouldn't do and even warn you about things in advance. AND she can never stop repeating the same sentence over and over again in a very bumble-bee-ish annoying voice. it's FUCKING annoying! i was already very tired that night and the more she nags the more i feel myself having difficulties in breathing. ARgHhh... i don't knwo how to explain. the point is: annoying and stressful. then i started crying and crying to let it all out.

i never realise i was that fragile. i thought i'm so much stronger than that. i thought i can withstand rain and hurricane better than many girls. looks like i over-rated myself. i must be kidding myself all these years OR i only got more fragile as i grow up. i remember telling my bf that i think it's confirmed i'm very old already. i'm starting to stress alot, not so carefree anymore and there's so much things to worry about. sO SO much.

he said: 'you think you have alot of problems? wait till you grow older... and what about me? i should've alot of problems till i can die already lo?" i was caught by him in surprise. he told me alot of things about his childhood and family that i didn't know about until that day. it was just to make me wake up and see that there's lots of people around me that are much worse and having a tonne more problems than i do now. he thinks that me, as well as a few of my friends, are not open minded about a lot of things. we tend to hold on to certain stuffs too tightly and we don't know how to let go. then, we cause a lot of emotional problems for ourselves. it's not about the problems, it's all about us and how we handle those damned problems.

he asked me, will i die without him? i said... NO. exactly... he also told me that a person won't die without another person beside him/her. you live for yourself. you don't live for another person. then he said, even married couples can file for divorce, everything has an end sometime soon. he told me he was worried for me because everytime he meets/talks to his ex-gf... i tend to think alot of crazy stuffs. so, why am i so afraid of him going away when it's not even happening yet? he suggested that i be optimistic and take things lightly in many cases. nothing is secured forever. if you have him now doesn't mean you will have him in 10 years time.

easy said, difficult to be done.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


i can't belive i'm not the same person i used to be. i can't breathe properly and i can feel my lungs constricting...and i choke and die. yeah u get what i mean... it's that serious alright. i still thought i can be so carefree and be the same sammy i was since i was born. i am sO sO WrOnG this time. i cannot delay much of my assignments/projects/work anymore. everything has to be done at that instant and no delays.

damn... God suddenly have an evil way to make me suffer and this way could be the best ever. i'm so far behind schedule; plus the loads of work never stop piling up. another one is added into the list before i can finish with any.

nOW onwards, i shall cut down on sleep, less yam cha sessions... less pak-tor sessions. more time spent in the library or computer lab. BECAUSE i have THREE presentation, FOUR written assignments, TWO small tests and SEVEn centrimetres thick of readings up mY arse!

PLus... i'm juggling 2 part time jobs now. see how desperate i am??
i need to go to the office almost every weekday for one, and work full day for every weekends for another one.

oH someone plZ save me before i choke and die.
sheesh...i know i know, i'm such a drama... i get it. but it's true wat!!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

da real V.day

i know this entry would be abit outdated by now, but i just want to 'jot down' in words about what happened last few days. as you probably have guessed, it's all about love and valentines again. although V day is already very famous and needs no publicising from me.... i still want to talk about it!

i have to admit that this year's valentines wasn't a beautiful and surprising day for me. there wasn't any surprises, that's one... and there isn't anything special. my 'other half' whom i'm supposed to spend the day with had to work. after work at 9 pm, he came and fetch me. we took our dinner in a food court in puchong and headed to times square to catch a movie (Big Momma's House 2). it's soO hilarious... at least we enjoyed our 2 hours of butt-numbing session.

then it's time for me to go home again. nothing much special isn't it? SURPRISINGly, for me, i think our real valentines day was on thursday, the 16th of March. i can't help but exclaiM, everthinG was sO wonderfUL that dAY!! it was his off-day. the only day i get to have him to myself for one whole day. after class, i went to his house straight... since he just woke up, we lazed around a little and watch a DVD. after i managed to kick-start his 'engine'... the beautiful day starts. i don't think i need to mention he's a real PIG and a real BUmmer rite? that explains why it's so much of effort and time to make him get up.

here starts the special things we did that day. ate our combo of breakfast+lunch+tea time... and went to IKEA. my intention there was to hunt for a new bed. but who know, we had a great time. compared to other days where we only can go shopping complex or stay in his house and rot.. i jsut realised he has such huge interest in interior designs that he had to scrutinize every 'room-sample' in IKEA and comment on it. i found a cheap and nice single bed... and we had a great time in there. it's jsut Pure fUN. honestly, that was one of the rare days where we both get to enjoy ourselves. on the usual days that we go shopping complex, i can see that he can sleep while walking.

after leaving ikea, we got on the wrong road and went to kepong instead of going home. since i didn't know that there's such a BIG jusco in kepong, we decided to walk around inside there. we hunt for food.. and got ourselves a whole teriyaki chicken at 50% off since it's past 9 pm. then we go back to puchong, bought 2 maggi mee in 7-11 and put hot water into it straight away. we ate the maggi mee and chicken in the car! the chicken is WHOLE> means it's not cut into pieces/parts. we make room in the car and use the sunshield thingy as table. i know it doesn't sound so ridiculous in this blog..but u should see the real life situation at that time. it was... crazy! he tore the chicken apart like a barbarian, and i couldn't stop laughing. i feed him the maggi mee and he feeds the chicken to me. anyone who passes by our car was staring cos they couldn't believe their eyes.
even he had to admit that that day was really a special day for us. he couldn't stop laughing at our silliness too.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

da 14th of feB

well, unofficially, it is already valentine's day.
but i guess most of the lovebirds are sleeping now... y am i not?
after some people wake up later, it's a whole fun day waiting for them.
today is already the valentines.
and i'm up awake... can't make myself to sleep.
don't get me wrong... i'm not really excited about V day.
it's just an ordinary other day where the prices of choc and
flowers are raised shit high.

to celebrate V day, i've made choc chip cookies for him
as well as my classmates!! i can tell u they're delicious and super-sweet.
i kinda added a little too much of choc chips.
like i said, it's not a big biG day tomorrow.
so i didn't buy anything, but just made cookies.
Valentine's day should not be celebrated extravagantly.
if any guys wanna burn a big hole in their pockets, do it on the anniversary.
not V'day. then it's much more meaningful.
it's a SHOULD thing to spend alittle on V.day, not go flat bRoke.

not that i don't want big fluffy teddy bear, chunks of chocolates or huge bouquet of flowers,
i love that too...and honestly, i never got any of that.
i really want to get that kind of treatment,
but i also wouldn't want that to happen,
because if i was to love a guy,
i won't want him to go cashless because of some things he had to buy for me.
then i'll be sad...
thus, what's the whole purpose of V.day?
defeats the purpose isn't it?

but of course,
a stalk of flower, a piece of choc and a piece of card is not too much to ask for?
hahah..see i'm crapping again.
too bad i'll have to spend most of my V day at home
or somewhere else with friends...
he has to work and i can only meet him at night.
well, at least i can spend time with him.
i would never ask for more..

Saturday, February 11, 2006

da' beautifuL beGinning...

somehow, this time i felt that things are a bit different. maybe it's because of my ripe-age or maybe it's a sign for me. he had been eating dinner IN MY HOUSE everyday since the past few days. And today, my mum even asked him if he's free on sunday. something about the last day of chinese new year where families are supposed to sit in together to have dinner. she wanted to invite him over but he has his company's annual dinner to attend. this is the very first time any guys get to eat with my family; PLUS it's more than once. how shocking? yes, those of you who know me and my family quite well will know that this is kinda weird. don't bother to read this paragraph over and oer again. your eyes are not cheating on you, it's TRUE!

probably it's because i'm already 20 years old by this year (not exactly 20). so they think it's alright to have boyfriend. the amazing thing is my mum seems to like this fellow very much. and they talked non stop over yesterday's dinner... bout how to cook and about food till i have to surrender and retreat into my bedroom to rest while they blabber about. he's right. he's aunty's favourite.

on the way home today, we were talking and we joked about something. then i realised, it's not really a joke..it has a pinch of truth in there somewhere.

" Having a gf/bf is like renting them. But, getting married to them is like buying them. "

i am not meaning that gf/bf are material things that can be traded/whatever. metaphorically...You see, when you rent something, you don't own it 100%. you're just borrowing it in a way and you can return them or not want them anytime. but when you buy something, you own in totally. you can neither simply return them nor exchange them. such a simple way of explaining isn't it? all because of the joke in which he said, " i am renting you only. still cannot afford to buy you now. in future la."

everything had been wonderful recently. a bit too good to be true isn't it?

Saturday, February 04, 2006

honey... SURPRISE!!!

those words were not the exact words he told me. but the situation sounded like that...
"honey... surprise!!"
that idiot... he knew it all along that he was coming back from hometown on the 3rd of feb.
but he told me that he's coming back on the 6th. that he will be in sabah for 10 days.
as a matter in fact, it's only 7 miserable days...and he never tell me...
he always said he's not sure or probably on the 6th when i ask him when he'll be back.
that donkey!!! he tricked me, and i kinda accidentally lied to the whole world.
anyway.. he's back already. i already 'beat' him up for doing that "surprise" thing.
but it's terrible, really. he told me he's coming back 2 when he's in sabah's airport.
and i had to fetch him in 2 hours time. made me rush like hell, and ffk a few people.
*sobs* i get all the blame in the end. a small price to pay just to have him back 3 days earlier.

OH! and yes, i asked him whether his ex is back from aussie not.
the answer is 'yes'. so, it was really her yesterday night. i got it right after all.
and he's meeting up with her few days later.
seems that her mum broke her arm..and got plastered
she called him to talk 'crap' (where u, doing what, going where, with who, etc etc)
when he was in my house for dinner!

he's the first guy that came into my house to have dinner with my family.
the first guy that my mum refers to as my BOYFRIEND
the first guy my father talks nicely to...
the first guy to have his blazer tailor-made by my mum..
isn't that a bonus already?

Friday, February 03, 2006

harmless of a threat?

i wasn't going to blog bout this in the beginning.
but i figured, arghh...wat's the chances of her reading this? probably 1%
i shall risk that. such small percentage.
today was a long day, went friends houses..
looked for friends who i have not seen for a long long time.
but guess what i saw at night??
someone who i never ever saw face-to-face before
except for her photos (that wasn't meant for me to see).

it's weird to see her all of a sudden.
never expected her to be back from aussie so fast...
and even worse, never expected to see her right there...in stevens
then i remember, it's CNY...why wouldn't she be back?
that means, if she's back..she might have called my bf redi?
what's wrong right? they're friends...
i'm such a nonsense..thinked too much
i knew they have ended things, but it wasn't really official.
so i guess i've the rights to worry.

i guess she knows who am i by now..
and the fact that he's not very single and available at the moment.
i was driving his car, and parked right in front of her.
it's fate isn't it? i didn't know it's her until i walked past,
and i realised..this girl's so familiar... looks like the one in the photo.
i had to get 2 of my friends to double confirm with me.
won't wanna get myself worried for farks, isn't it?
i think he didn't let her know bout me...
but it's all clear now, she found out herself.
fate...haha... tricky isn't it?

i had mixed feelings when i saw and realised it was really her.
i was happy to finally be able to see how she's like...in reality
i was confused because i wasn't very sure whether its her or not.
i was angry, what is she doing back here?
i was shocked to see her here because she stays quite far away
i was scared, she might come back for him.
it's all so weird.

but why should i be scared? STUPID ME.
i did not snatch him under her arms.
i did not go in between them
i appeared in front of him months after they 'broke up'
we're any other normal couple..i have the most authority
why am i scared?
is she a threat or she's pure harmless?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

da disappearance...

well, it's not really related to the title. actually...i didn't even disappear. there's a good reason fo this. my broadband got suspended. hAH! for not paying the bills of course. as u can probably guessed by now, most of the money allocated for bills are spent on new year clothes. no more guessing.. what else can it be other than that. rite rite? haha.... the reason why i get to blab in my blog this very minute is also because i'm using my uncle's account.

anyway, today is the 3rd day of new year. actually..it's past 12 am, i consider it the 4th day already. this year's chinese new year has been a boring one. firstly, there's no 'suasana meriah' like how it used to be few years back. we don't hear lion dance and all those firecrackers anymore. we don't see many kids running around in red frilly dress and red t-shirts too. it doesn't really feel like it's CNY now. hehe, well only the ang powS seems to be the obvious thing now. maybe it's because i've grown out of all those stuff... that i don't enjoy CNy as much as last time when i grow up. or it's just the fact that CNy IS getting boring.

honestly, i felt really old right now. i mean...look, i'm going to be 20 soon. it's a big T-W-O in front. i'm not in my 'TEENS' anymore. sad.... now i wish i'm few years younger where things were much simpler... with freedom of course. on the contrary, i know i'm going to enjoy the freedom and liberty that i know i'm going to get. i can already feel them...i'm gaining my freedom really slowly. but yes, it's very near...hMMm... sweet freedom.

five days had passed without him. and 5 more days to go. we called one another every single day, at least 3 times a day just to check how the other person is doing. of course there's nothing to talk about... all he did there was to eat, sleep and watch tv. that slob... but by talking crap with him as well as hearing his voice makes me feel much better. i barely able to pass a week without seeing him. tell me how is it possible to be far from him for 6 months for work reasons? anyway, talking bout slob...i'm not any better myself. i spent most of my days sleeping and going out too. my butt's really itchy these days... because i didn't go out at night and so often anymore. i get tired really early and i sleep early. CNY is the good way to train myself to sleep early. and the only person i'm hanging out with the past few days is kah mun. she's a KL girl.. and she's as bored as me. and her bf is not in Kl too.

we ate baskin robbins in bangsar yesterday and then went yamcha and lunch in wong kok, oug. the weather? i'm telling you, it's super killing... the sunshine is scotching hot and 5 minutes under the sun, i guarantee u get dizzy and faint after another 10 minutes. i wonder why is it so hot and bright everytime it's CNY?

i wonder if astrological signs can be believed? horoscopes and predictions?