Tuesday, February 28, 2006

2 days ago, on Monday night, i brokedown. i couldn't stand the pressure and stress that were building up inside me. it's amazing you know, when you can feel something heavy resting on your chest and you couldn't breathe. i know that it's all in the mind... there's really nothing physical about it. but you can't really stop yourself from stressing can you?

i really really broke down that night and it was terrible. it started off when my mum starts nagging. and it's a serious nag... means she will talk and talk non-stop about things you shouldn't do and even warn you about things in advance. AND she can never stop repeating the same sentence over and over again in a very bumble-bee-ish annoying voice. it's FUCKING annoying! i was already very tired that night and the more she nags the more i feel myself having difficulties in breathing. ARgHhh... i don't knwo how to explain. the point is: annoying and stressful. then i started crying and crying to let it all out.

i never realise i was that fragile. i thought i'm so much stronger than that. i thought i can withstand rain and hurricane better than many girls. looks like i over-rated myself. i must be kidding myself all these years OR i only got more fragile as i grow up. i remember telling my bf that i think it's confirmed i'm very old already. i'm starting to stress alot, not so carefree anymore and there's so much things to worry about. sO SO much.

he said: 'you think you have alot of problems? wait till you grow older... and what about me? i should've alot of problems till i can die already lo?" i was caught by him in surprise. he told me alot of things about his childhood and family that i didn't know about until that day. it was just to make me wake up and see that there's lots of people around me that are much worse and having a tonne more problems than i do now. he thinks that me, as well as a few of my friends, are not open minded about a lot of things. we tend to hold on to certain stuffs too tightly and we don't know how to let go. then, we cause a lot of emotional problems for ourselves. it's not about the problems, it's all about us and how we handle those damned problems.

he asked me, will i die without him? i said... NO. exactly... he also told me that a person won't die without another person beside him/her. you live for yourself. you don't live for another person. then he said, even married couples can file for divorce, everything has an end sometime soon. he told me he was worried for me because everytime he meets/talks to his ex-gf... i tend to think alot of crazy stuffs. so, why am i so afraid of him going away when it's not even happening yet? he suggested that i be optimistic and take things lightly in many cases. nothing is secured forever. if you have him now doesn't mean you will have him in 10 years time.

easy said, difficult to be done.

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