Tuesday, November 15, 2005

time to gO down


i just found out that i can be really emotional and also be a cry baby. never expected that the once 'no-crying-sammy' could be like this now. what can i say? time changes people isn't it? it's so true that every human has his/her ups and downs. i really meant ups and downs... once your on your peak for quite some time, there has to be a time when it is time to come down and taste hell a little. jut a reminder that happiness is not everlasting after all.

the reason why i said all this is not because i'm in a really really saddening problem. in fact, it is just a minor problem which could be a no-problem-thing. i made it become important... so much that it occur to me as a problem that matters now.

it started off as a joke. someone told me before that every joke has 30% of truth in it. I guess it's true this time. whenever that i understood the things he said, he will say that either it was my hearing or my understandings. many times i couldn't get what he said because:
1) i am not that pro in cantonese and he used words that i never hear before;
2) sometimes he sounds more like a mumble and i couldn't get the words right;
3) he used shortened sentences assuming that i would understand.

i wish i was much more fluent in canto, then this problem wouldn't arise. he never get angry at me or scolded me before, but i can see that he starts to get fired up everytime i ask him to repeat what he said or decoded his message wrongly because i heard totally different word(s). this problem didn't just occur now, it has happened in my past as well. is there any doctors or whatsoever who i can go to? to seek my problem. is it because of my hearing? or it's just because i'm slow and poor in receiving messages? i guess it's my problem that made communications imperfect because perfect communications go through the comm. process smoothly. no interruptions, no wrongly decoding messages, no noise...

now i'm quite sure it was because of me. today, he got annoyed twice and told me that i have bad hearing twice. the first time he said that i have bad hearing as well as bad speaking. it seems that i don't speak clearly. i resisted from crying and chose to zip my mouth. i totally kept quiet and not answered him everytime he asked something. he pujuk-ed his way out...

later at night, we were on da phone. he told me that he was going to yam cha with his frens at the mamak opposite his apartment. i heard that he said he was going to yam cha with his frens who stayed opposite his apartment. i almost cried again. whenever jamie says that she dislike herself for crying so easily, i half-wished i could be like her. it feels terrible to keep everything inside. i couldn't cry out because i felt stupid. i couldn't cry out about this in front of him because he would think i'm paranoid and despise me. what can i do?

one sentence he said triggered my tear glands. it was "i think we have a communication problem". it was said in a jokingly manner but i do take it seriously. tell me what should i do? what is my problem?

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