Tuesday, October 18, 2005

it's FACTS alright...



i just logged off my hotmail inbox and arrived at msn.com to see this very interesting column. it's about the typical problems in marriages ( i know, i'm not married; but it's still the same concept minus the vows and rings). it did mention that husbands think that their wives worry too much- as if every small problem is the first step to the divorce court. in my case, it's not the divorce court i'm afraid of. i was more afraid of the dating-honeymoon period ending. i worry about the same thing- as if every small changes in my relationship pattern shows that we're goin to break up soon. blame it on paranoia-- i included some excerpts from that website.

Periods of Noncommunication

Let me say this about my wife: She rarely has an unexpressed thought. I have learned the hard way that if she suddenly starts making like a sphinx, I'd better do some investigative reporting. I learned this via the following exchange:
She: I can't believe you're going to let me go on and on like this.
Me (baffled): Like what?
She (with a glare that cements my position as World's Most Insensitive Man): Why don't you hold me?
Me (baffled): Do you want me to hold you?
She (glares silently)
Contrast this with my own recent silent funk, a three-week bender of noncommunication, related -- I suppose -- to the fact that I am no longer 25 or even 30. I did not want to be held, I did not want to be analyzed: I wanted my gloom to get lost and knew that discussing things -- despite prodding from my wife -- would lengthen its stay. She, meanwhile, assumed that my silence meant I had begun scanning the personals for ads headed "Former Gymnast Seeks Parallel Bar."
My wife isn't the only one who fears the worst when her husband clams up. Guys I've polled agree that any time they get quiet, whether because of a work crisis, a life crisis or a period of gentle contemplation, their wives assume bags are being packed. "I have to be in public a lot," says Mark Kayser, 35, a marketing executive in Pierre, SD. "And when I get home I am often antisocial. I am just plain talked-out. My wife will say, 'Oh, you are being so uncommunicative. But it has absolutely nothing to do with my love for her.
"There are those times that I am really worried or stressed out," he acknowledges. "But I don't want to bother or worry her with it."


>>>was thinking bout the same thing! few weeks back, i hated the silence and the periods of noncommunication. pHanz wanted to go out with me but he also wanted to isolate himself mentally. i never liked that.. although it still bothers me until now. i realised i shouldn't be over-worried. i knew he'll still loves me even without much exchange of words. and i only realised all this after i asked him bout it when the chance arrived.. hMMpH.. however, it still bothers me; like i said. but not so much anymore *grins*

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Looking at Other Women

Remember what I just said about lust coming and going and coming? Well, the other day, coming out of the grocery store, I saw this blonde. Only the floor kept her legs from going on forever. Not that I really noticed. If I did, it was just for a second -- really, not even a second.

Okay, guilty: guilty as charged. Slap the cuffs on me and, while you're at it, on just about any guy I could name. But we're looking, not touching -- and we have no intention of doing so, whatever our worried wives may think. And while we're on the subject, my wife looks too -- at square-jawed men with dark hair and dark eyes. To a somewhat insecure, shortish, green-eyed, pudgy-cheeked fellow (like me, for instance), that could be a problem.

"I make a conscious effort not to look, because my wife takes it as a sign of interest in other women," says Jim Fitzgibbon, 31, an electronic-components sales manager in Port Washington, NY. "So I'm really working on not doing it, at least when she's around. We've had conversations about it, especially if I have not been appreciating her as much as I usually do. She'll say she doesn't think I love her as much now as I did when we first got married. But believe me, I do."
"My wife and I both check out other people," says Ted Burke. "If we are out walking somewhere and there is some really hot girl with big boobs and a mini, we both look at her, but it's not an issue. I do not ogle and she doesn't ogle. It's more like, 'Oh, look, there's a good-looking girl,' or 'Look, there's a good-looking guy.'"

Adrian Comstock and his wife regard the whole matter as a sort of release valve. "It kind of opens things up," he says. "That way we don't have to feel guilty for appreciating a beautiful person. In fact, it's taught me a few things. She thinks David Duchovny is attractive, and that's given me clues about how she'd like to see me dress."...

I look at my own wife sometimes, very early in the morning, before she's awake, when her face is still scrunched against the pillow, and I think about the (inevitable) friction that comes with two people trying to make their way in the world together. And like Kayser, I'm reminded of just how big marriage is. The truth is, I like that it's big, I like that it's bigger than me. It's given my life a heft it never had with just me in it. I still watch kung-fu movies dubbed in Spanish. I still look, practically by accident, at pretty women. I still spend too much time Net-surfing on the weekends, when she would like us to be doing something together. But these are just satellites of annoyance stuck in orbit around the mass -- not mess -- that is our marriage. For the record, it's a gravity I have no intention of escaping.



>>> alright, so the first wife in the articles wasn't really like me. frankly, i'm just the opposite! i'm more of like Ted Burke's wife. i'm no one's wife yet, mind you. but as a girlfriend, i do the same thing my boyfriend does. we both ogle at girls that we passed by and make remarks about their clothing or body or whatsoever. it is agree-able that it's wrong to look at girls when your gf is beside you. but i don't think so... some of my friends think that my bf is not-so-good because he is OBVIOUSLY staring at girls when i'm beside him. i DO realise, but i never said anything because he made it clear to me that he is lookin at girls with no intention of hiding it. i appreciate his blunt honesty; which some gfs might find offensive. it's his honesty with me that made me trust him...thus, allowing me to feel secure even if he's staring at some girl bit too long. and we do find some fun in it, he has a bad habit of making funny (and bad) remarks.. :) no offence. in conclusion, it's the honesty that earned him my trust.


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extracted from: What A Happy Marriage Really Looks Like by Brian Alexander

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