Sunday, December 18, 2005

failing myself again


i started my day as usual. after having nightmares this morning (i meant saturday), i woke up at 11 a.m. isn't that early? usually i'll only wake up at 12 or 12 plus...sometimes even 1 plus. as a matter in fact, my nightmare didn't start this morning. it started 24 hours ago, yesterday(fri) night. what i did on friday was actually very fruitful and nice, till at night of course. before my nightmare cum dilemma started, i had lunch with jamie and kahmun. then me and jamie went to pyramid, i practically made myself buy something from Blush! because i couldn't let go of the sales. besides, my wardrobe is lacking of lingeries :P then, i head to ioi mall to have dinner with darling phanz in sushi king. at 9 pm, i had to rush home because jamie's picking me and suet li up...we're going to Decanter in hartamas. we were chilling out there, having chips and drinks.


it was after that that my nightmare started. i remember asking phanz whether he wanted to join me in hartamas, but he told me he hasn't finish work yet and he'll confirm later. later on, he did call me back but to tell me that he won't be joining me because he supposed to meet his friends to yam ca. then i thought, "oh friday night, it's probably that group of friends which i see before many times". i didn't give it much thought, really. until i called him when he was driving to yam cha and during his yam cha, and after his yam cha. he didn't sound like he wanted to talk. by the way, i was wrong about that. although he does sound like that at that moment.


when he was yam chaing with his friend, i met up with john tan and his friend, kEy in sunway pyramid. we had some beer and chatted. i became the main topic of that day i guess. because i couldn't stop pestering them to advise me and teach me how to handle my situation, which i shall not mention here because it's going to take months for me to tell it all. bloody long story.. however, some of you already know what's some of it about, it's all the small small things i mentioned before. those minor problems which accumulated till today to cause a big amount of resentment in myself. the problem in me, also my weakness, is the fact that i am too soft-hearted and i gave in easily to my bf. as long as he's going to be happy, i will do whatever it takes to adapt to him. the correct way in any relationship is based on the concept of 'give and take'. both parties have to adapt a little in suiting one another. it's not asking to become someone else, it's to stay the same, as your true self but making slight changes to better adapt him/her. the thing is, i am the only one trying so hard to change. it took up so much of my energy and thus the resentment in me builds up as well. i become fragile, i cry easily over the smallest things, i become the green monster of jealousy, i'm frustrated at myself and i have mood swings now and then.


so both of them (john and key) gave me many ideas on how to better improve myself and stop building up resentment in my heart. one is by playing hard to get, which is to not call him first at any time of the day. BUT wait till he calls FIRST and let him realises that i'm more important, not taking things for granted. second way is to make him jealous, by getting close to other guys. and if all fails, the most evil plan is to threaten to break up to see how much i meant to him. knowing me, i have no guts when it comes to relationship. i will not be the usual risk-taker that i originally am. all those evil plans to 'get him' has only success of 50%. i'm taking a very high risk. i could end up loosing him. at the end, i've decided to use plan ONE. very very determined this time!


back to friday night, after getting all the advise and confidence from both of them, i called my bf to see where he was and told me to meet me in front of my house. he did come, and i asked him who he yam cha with although i roughly had the idea when he told me where he went. he was with this gurl who liked him longer than i did. even when i just knew him, the girl already liked him for quite some time. always sending him sms and calls. but too bad for her *grins*, i got him first although i come in later on. it was her birthday that day, that's why he agreed to go out with her. i know that on normal days, he usually rejects her when she asks to go out. i wasn't mad at him for going out with her, i was just mad at him for not telling me who he went out with. he was so scared that i'm going to simply think again and crying for farks. sigh, if only he told me earlier, i wouldn't simply guess, which is worse?


though this time i am proud of myself. when he asked me if i was OK, i told him that i'm OK (like i always do) BUT i told him that next time, he should tell me before he go. i finally dare to voice out what i want. i refused to be silent about my feelings anymore. errm...however...... he didn't agree with what i said. so, you know what? leave it. for now.


today, when i went to work and met him. things were quite different again. he was being the nice and sweet guy. like how it was few months back. i'm happy with how things went today. he showed me that he really loves me by the constant hand holding and pecks on the cheek. he didn't do that for quite some time already. there is, but not so much. i guess it's just his mood huh? there are people telling me that guys can act, they can fake it and show you that they love you although they don't love you that much. that it's easy for guys to sweet talk and be nice. i agree that there are guys like that... but i deny all of it regarding my bf. truly, i know he loves me. he just doesn't show it like how normal guys do. he doesn't give me surprises or secret gifts, no sweet talking, and etc etc. instead, he bullies me, argues with what i think is right, and etc etc. don't be deceived by all that, because at the same time he always try to take care of my feelings and do all the small things which shows that he cared. for example, after seeing that i'm not really happy that he went yam cha with that girl... he gave me a peck on my forehead and a hug, telling me not to simply think. at least he still cares bout what i think! when he reached home, he called me and talked to me extra longer, asking me if i'm ok or not. just to assure me additionally, he sms me after that call to tell me 'love you, goodnite...muax!' do you know how many months i didn't receive sms from him? he hates sms-ing!


he's just being the natural him. the true guy he is and was. since i'm the flexible one, i just have to adapt more right? i know, i know.... but not too much mah! i get it. i will make him have the fear of loss, not me.

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